Adoption of an Older Child

Adopting an older child can present unique problems. Becoming a new parent is tough, but becoming a new parent of a school-age child or adolescent can be tougher.

An older child may bring problems from the past into his new family. He may have lived in a number of foster homes, each affecting him in some way. He may have lived with one or both birth parents for a time. There may be a history of drug, alcohol, physical or sexual abuse. He may have been separated from siblings. Many factors could have affected your child's life before he came to your home. Following are some suggestions that will help you deal with them.

Learn as much as you can about your child's background and that of her birth parents. The adoption agency can help you gather as much information as possible. By learning everything you can about your child and her past, you may become more aware of problems that may lie ahead. Keep in mind, it is impossible for you or the adoption agency to know everything your child may have gone through.
Keep a connection to your child's past. It is important that your child feel connected in a positive way to the life he had before coming to your home. Keep in touch with someone he knew; a grandparent, relative, friend or neighbor. If possible, put together a "life book" by collecting mementos and photos of your child's previous home, school and people he was close to. These things will be important as your child adjusts to his new life.
Don't be afraid to seek help. Adoptive parents should understand that an older child with serious problems may need professional help to resolve these issues. Constant and persistent love can work wonders for most children, however, in some cases, love may not be enough.
Don't blame yourself. An older child may rebel against her new family. This anger is usually because of the child's past losses. These problems are not your fault. Remind yourself that you are part of the solution as you help your child work out her issues. Most of all, be patient.
Talk to your pediatrician. He or she may be able to help or suggest counselors or support groups.

Adoption: Establishing Open, Honest Communication

If you have recently adopted or soon will be adopting a child, you are probably experiencing many different emotions. The excitement and delight of a new addition to the family is often mixed with concern or even fear of what lies ahead.

With a better understanding of the role adoption plays in your child's growth and development, you can help your child accept his own uniqueness and learn to be proud of who he is and how he helped form your family.

It is for these reasons that it is important to have an open and honest attitude about your child's adoption. Talk to your child about her adoption as soon as she is able to understand — usually between ages 2 and 4. The word adopted should become a part of your child's vocabulary early on. These early discussions give you practice in talking about adoption and show your child that it is OK to bring up the topic. If you are uneasy that your child is not biologically yours, she will feel it.

Just as any child delights in the story of the day he was born, a child who is adopted will treasure details of how he came into the family. While going through the adoption process, keep a scrapbook or journal the same way an excited mother does during pregnancy. Keep track of important dates and steps in the process. Take pictures of the people and places involved in your child's earlier life. Details about your child's earlier life and the adoption process will help make both easier to understand.

Share with your child the joy you felt at bringing her home that very first day. Many families even celebrate the arrival or adoption date every year, in addition to a birthday. It shows that the child came to the family in a different way, but is just as valued and loved.

By openly and honestly discussing your child's adoption, you will be giving him the tools he'll need to answer the more difficult questions he'll encounter as he grows into adulthood. Your child may be asked questions by other people that he will not be able to answer. They may be simple, innocent questions such as, "Where did you get those big, blue eyes?" or "Do you look more like your mom or your dad?"

They could be questions on a form to be filled out at the doctor's office or when joining an athletic team at school, such as, "Has any blood relative ever had cancer? Diabetes?" or "What is your ethnic background?"

The most painful questions may be the ones the child asks herself. "Who am I?" "Where did I come from?" "Why did my parents give me away?"

Sooner or later, these questions or others like them will come up. Many children who are adopted simply don't have the answers.

Being adopted can play a vital role in the development of your child's self-image. It becomes a basic part of who she is. Some children who are adopted grow up feeling different from other children. Those differences are real. Many adopted children have two sets of parents. Some may have been denied affection or even basic nutrition or medical care. Whatever the circumstances, it is important to recognize that your child's life experience has been quite different from that of other children.

The longer you wait to discuss adoption with your child, the harder it will be. Any level of openness you can build when your child is very young will help as your child grows and begins to ask more difficult questions about his adoption. If talking with your child about adoption is difficult, talk to your pediatrician. He or she can be a valuable source of support and understanding.